Main Photo Credit - Michael Neville

Monday, June 4, 2018

Taking A Day To Regroup

So I did an energetic Walk Away The Pounds session with Leslie Sansone and then followed that up with this yoga session for tired feet. Today is about regrouping, and getting things done, running errands, reassessing my commitments, taking out a little time for TLC, some skincare and hopefully getting my nails done too. My feet were pretty achy from standing on them during long massage sessions throughout the week and they are going to receive some much needed self-care. I'm taking another stab at my ever-evolving home organizational project. It's pretty much a total mess in my room. I need to do laundry, vacuum, clean my crystals, and get some blood labs taken at the hospital to confirm that my kidneys are in working order from last week's infection. It should be nice. I'm cleaning up my diet too. More smoothies, greens and clean protein are getting thrown into the mix. Less caffeine and processed foods are also in order. In short, spring cleaning and preparation for my summer body are in full effect!

Thursday, May 31, 2018

How Do I Feel?

That's the question I've been asking myself. It's been about three days since I last wrote in my blog. Although I still kept up my yoga practice, my meditation and journaling as definitely suffered from my current set of events. On Monday just before the last rehearsal for the Jazz Club I helped form (we performed yesterday on May 30th at Bird & Beckett Books in San Francisco) I found our that my friend Rhonnel had been taken off life support despite the news that he was originally going to be given another week. I had mentally prepared myself, although emotionally it was much harder to. I knew that his chances of recovery were almost nonexistent, so the news didn't come to me as a major shock. Still, I was left sad and numb and emotionally fatigued in its wake. Honestly, I didn't know what to do, so I went on to my rehearsal and laughed and smiled and practiced parts of our two hour set even though I felt listless at points and at times filled with gratitude for the music and fellowship I enjoy with the Jazz Club.

The next day on Tuesday, possibly because of stress and the overload of emotions, I came down with a kidney infection. I was in so much pain and I listened a ton of isochronic tones on YouTube and drink copious amounts of water, tea with tulsi, turmeric and ginger in it, and drink almost an entire bottle of cranberry juice. I was still in a lot of pain when I went to sleep that evening before the performance and was up to four a.m. in the morning because of the discomfort. Finally I managed to slump to a side that was more bearable and dose off. The tones and fluids must have worked because when I woke up I was in much less pain than the previous day. I ended up taking two 800 mg strength ibuprofen that I had from a doctor's visit a while back. They worked to take away the pain.

The performance went off without a hitch and was actually one of the happiest moments of my life. Even though there were technical difficulties with the microphones giving feedback, the logistics of the number of people on such a small stage and fact the the power went out right in the middle of my solo, we all soldiered on and the event was a total success. We were invited back to play again.  I will remember it when I'm old and gray. It was truly and amazing event. And at the end of it, Jay who had cheered me on was there for me to tell about the trials and joys of my week. This afternoon I have a doctor's appointment scheduled to check myself out and hopefully if all goes well I hot date this evening. Yes I'm still dealing with grief and emotional trauma, but I'm working through it as opposed to going around it or over it. I am laughing, crying, working out and sweating, making love and loving, waking up and living.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Getting Active Again

Today I'm taking a step forward to get moving and active again. I realize that I can accomplish nothing by moping around all day long. I need to make my emotions work for me rather than against me. Of course this is easier said than done, and at the end of the day some emotions are just too damn hard to power through. With that said, I will do what I can to survive them, process them, work through them and to keep moving as I experience them so that I don't go into an emotional atrophy and get stuck replaying them over and over again. There is nothing better to shake up stagnant feelings than some yoga, some movement and some meditation. It's Sunday, and I'm taking stock of my goals, recharging and restructuring for the future. All I can do is stop, pause, take a mindful moment and keep on going.

On And On by Erykah Badu

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Letting It All Out

Letting It All Out

I've just been riding the rollercoaster of emotions lately and they have been many and varied. Sometimes I'm numb to it all, others I'm anxious, at other times I'm balling my eyes out. And now I just don't know how to feel anymore. I've been pondering the merits of gratitude lately and even with the events of the past few days, I'm grateful for the support system and the friends that I have left. I just found out that my friend is still on life support for another week. I don't know how I feel about that either. No matter what happens, I'm going to try and find the moments of joy where I can even in the darkest moments -- realizing that life can't always be clear-cut with everything tied up neatly in a bow. It's messy, it's challenging, it's painful, it's miraculous and its paths are often uncertain. Abd that is both the frustration and the beauty of it. So I am going to let the laughter and the tears flow.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Taking A Moment

Today I'm giving myself time to reflect. I'm taking all the moments that I need to feel whatever it is that I need to feel and to come to terms with the ever-changing currents of life that I find myself awash in. I'm just allowing for whatever I need to go through right now. Healing takes time and I'm going to give myself all the space that I need in order to move forward again.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

On Losing Loved Ones

On Losing Loved Ones

The one thing that I can say about the loss of a loved one is that no matter how many times you deal with the aftermath of death and the grief that follows, it never gets any easier. In fact it actually gets harder with each subsequent loss. Today I learned that my friend and next door neighbor Rhonnel is going to be pulled off life support tomorrow after he collapsed with an aneurysm the day before yesterday shortly before 10 a.m. in the morning. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions, memories and regrets right now. Never again will we binge-watch Netflix on the living room couch, or share a curry wrap, share laughs at a neighborhood BBQ or battle rounds of Tekken on PlayStation. Today I said goodbye to my friend and I'll never see him again. This is the third friend that I've loss in less than a year and it's really hard. I'm trying to come to terms with this all. You never know when someone that you care about can just be gone so cherish the moments you have with them while you can. That only constant in this Universe is love, of that I am sure.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Highs And Lows And Finding Calm In The Storm

Highs And Lows And Finding Calm In The Storm

This morning I woke up to my next door neighbor's mom beating on my window. It turns out that he had collapsed and hit his head and was rendered unconscious. I called an ambulance and they rushed him to the ER. He is now in critical care. After accompanying his mother to the hospital, where I stayed for a few hours, I left for the last of my rehearsals before the end of semester jazz performance. It felt strange at first having the rehearsal go on as normal, but since I have about 5 songs in the set and the performance is set for next week Wednesday, I had to go. This happened just about three months shy of the anniversary of one of my best friend and next door neighbor Claire's passing in August of last year. Claire was also a friend of Rhonel as well as my roommate Todd who drove me and Rhonel's mother to the hospital. The fact that I've replayed this scene of watching a loved one in critical care in a hospital bed many times was definitely not lost on me. I'm beginning to wonder if there is some kind of Divine plan or karma in all of this that I am being made aware of. The significance of the amount of dear loved ones who I've lost or have had to witness through serious illnesses is growing. It's making me ask myself what I am doing to attract this or if this is part of a larger pattern? Only time will tell. Until then I will follow the road that I am led down and explore the larger journey within.