How Do I Feel?

That's the question I've been asking myself. It's been about three days since I last wrote in my blog. Although I still kept up my yoga practice, my meditation and journaling as definitely suffered from my current set of events. On Monday just before the last rehearsal for the Jazz Club I helped form (we performed yesterday on May 30th at Bird & Beckett Books in San Francisco) I found our that my friend Rhonnel had been taken off life support despite the news that he was originally going to be given another week. I had mentally prepared myself, although emotionally it was much harder to. I knew that his chances of recovery were almost nonexistent, so the news didn't come to me as a major shock. Still, I was left sad and numb and emotionally fatigued in its wake. Honestly, I didn't know what to do, so I went on to my rehearsal and laughed and smiled and practiced parts of our two hour set even though I felt listless at points and at times filled with gratitude for the music and fellowship I enjoy with the Jazz Club.

The next day on Tuesday, possibly because of stress and the overload of emotions, I came down with a kidney infection. I was in so much pain and I listened a ton of isochronic tones on YouTube and drink copious amounts of water, tea with tulsi, turmeric and ginger in it, and drank almost an entire bottle of cranberry juice. I was still in a lot of pain when I went to sleep that evening before the performance and was up to four a.m. in the morning because of the discomfort. Finally I managed to slump to a side that was more bearable and dose off. The tones and fluids must have worked because when I woke up I was in much less pain than the previous day. I ended up taking two 800 mg strength ibuprofen that I had from a doctor's visit a while back. They worked to take away the pain.

The performance went off without a hitch and was actually one of the happiest moments of my life. Even though there were technical difficulties with the microphones giving feedback, the logistics of the number of people on such a small stage and fact the the power went out right in the middle of my solo, we all soldiered on and the event was a total success. We were invited back to play again.  I will remember it when I'm old and gray. It was truly and amazing event. And at the end of it, Jay who had cheered me on was there for me to tell about the trials and joys of my week. This afternoon I have a doctor's appointment scheduled to check myself out and hopefully if all goes well, a hot date this evening. Yes I'm still dealing with grief and emotional trauma, but I'm working through it as opposed to going around it or over it. I am laughing, crying, working out and sweating, making love and loving, waking up and living.